2015 Predictions .....

I have cast the runes, thrown the dice, spread the Tarot and

crunched the numbers.

 

Still available from all good booksellers -
provided you speak German!

I have sat up far into the night clutching balls (crystal, of course

- whatever did you think I meant?)  I have drunk endless cups of rosie

in order to study the leaves and sundry bits of dunked biscuit at the

bottom for signs and portents, and have made countless trips

to the loo as a direct result of my endeavours.

 

"And to what end, woman?" I hear you cry.

To peer into the future, that's why, and to bring you

GIPSY JULIA LONG DOG'S PREDICTIONS FOR 2015!

 

Do you like the new handwarmer I got for Christmas?

 

- Long Dog sales will increase by 100% due to new marketing methods

which will include subliminal advertising on the blog,

threatening text messages and a FB campaign of harassment.

 

 

- Cross stitching will finally become accepted by the Olympics committee

as a pukka sport along with crochet.  Prototype designs for sprint stitchers

are already on the drawing board and a couple of "marathon" projects

are in the final stages of production.  Anyone wishing to enter their

national trials for a place in the team should be quick about it once the

official announcement is made as selection will be strictly on a first

stitched, first framed basis.

 

- the consumption of Brussel sprouts will finally be banned within the EU

due to their undesirable side effects which scientists believe are

contributing to global warming.

 

Seen here relaxing after the Grand National at Aintree

- a racehorse will win the 2015 Grand National and a bloke in a racing car

will, once again, win all the major motor racing trophies of 2015.

No surprises there then!

 

They certainly didn't see that coming.

- lots of rain will fall in lots of places causing widespread flooding and

record temperatures in June and July will act as the catalyst for

"pop-up sewing bees" practically anywhere with air conditioning

and a place to park your bum.

 

- and finally, more of a threat than a prediction, there will be five

new Long Dog's released into the wild on or about:

 

24 January 2015

4 April 2015

20 June 2015

5 September 2015

14 November 2015

 

Gypsy Ju has spoken - you have been warned!

 





Life's little surprises

Every once in a while, and quite unbidden, something rather

nice happens.  It's not something that occurs daily or

even on a weekly basis because, if it were, then it would

become mundane and lose it's charm.

 

St Hippolyte's marriage in all it's glory

 

It's never something you could predict, certainly doesn't have to

be grandiose and the range of possibilities is vast and

limitless.  How exciting is that?

 

St Hipp converted to a wedding sampler

Just recently I was the recipient of a goodly dollop of the

aforementioned serendipidy in the shape and form of an

email (with attachments - oh goody!) from a

gentleman called Dan in Illinois.

 

32# evenweave linen and ghost front door - spooky!

I skipped hastily through the usual lavish praise of my outstanding

creations which is, I must admit, no more that I deserve, in order

to get to the heart of the matter.  Dan had send me photos

of his magnificent "ouvrages" as we called them in France,

and some of his crosstitching too.  Please don't snigger Jan,

there was nothing smutty intended (she said with an

innocent little "Who me?" smile).

 

Vicki Clayton silks from HDF

Dan has a lot of style and is not afraid to go where his

inclinations lead him.  Not a word Jan, you've already been

warned once.  He's taken trusty, staid old St Hipp and given it

a good kick in the pants for which his pennance has to be

three Hail Mary's and his reward a place in cross stitch heaven.

He's gone beyond minor personalisation and entered the

realms of big time reconstruction work.

Scaffolding at all four corners!

 

Estimated to have taken over 900 hours to complete

 

Good on you Dan, more power to your needle.

You can reposition this girl's motifs any time you like.

 

This actually took so long to complete that the names of
the couple's three children have also been added.

 

I wonder how many other gentleman stitchers (apart from Dan

and my darling little Kevin) there are out there beavering away in

their sheds whilst listening to their vinyl collections and

knocking back the odd glass or three of fine Burgundy.

Give me a shout if you can bear to put your stitching down

for five minutes.  I'd love to hear from you.

jools@longdogsampler.com 

How was it for you?

 

Did he fall asleep as usual leaving you with .....

 

 

...... all the dishes to do?  I thought as much.

 

 

Did these little rascals help to make your day go with a bang?

I thought they would.  

Pass the Febreze, or alternatively blame the dog!

 

 

Will you feel guilty if you don't turn this into nourishing, hearty soup?

I sort of guessed you would.

Sod it, life's too short - send out for a pizza!

 

 

Come on now, this is no time to feel sorry for yourself.

Have a quick shower, put on some lippy (optional for male

readers, transvestites and strict vegetarians) and prepare to party.

It all kicks in again in a few days time!

I can almost smell the anticipation, or was it those

damned sprouts again?

 

 

 

 



Happy Christmas - may all your wildest dreams come true

May I take this opportunity to wish you all a very

happy Christmas and to thank you for your

support and friendship over the past twelve months.

Joseph, does my bum look big on this?

 

Little did I know this time last year that I would

be, not only dogless, but also living back in

England in a tiny, cosy little lock-up in Norfolk.

Perhaps it's just as well I didn't.  Some things

are better not known in advance.

 

Look after yourselves.

Be kind to one another, make the most of every

opportunity that comes your way, look out for others

less fortunate than yourself and don't forget

to tell your family how much you love them

and your friends how much they're valued.

However, it may not be a good idea during this season
of peace and goodwill to all men to tell the
woman at No 5 exactly what you do think of her,
no matter what the provocation, and especially
not after the third glass of vintage port
that the children brought you.

Long Dogs come in all shapes and sizes

 

Have a good one and don't forget -

TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY WHEN YOU CAN BUY YOURSELF

A LONG DOG WITH YOUR CHRISTMAS MONEY

 

jools@longdogsampler.com

 

But not this one!

 

 

Now where did I put those flashing antlers?

It's party time!

Door 24 - Christmas Eve

I don't know why he's hanging about blocking up the doorway,

doesn't he know that tonight's his big night.

One long piss-up clambering over roofs

swigging down tots of booze and chomping on mince

pies bringing joy and delight to one and all.

 

 

Let's hope he doesn't cause the same problem on Mrs Jenkins roof

as he did last year.  The insurance still haven't paid up

as Santa damage is not considered to be an act of god.

 

 

That's better.  He seems to be getting his act together now.

That reminds me - did I order any sprouts?

Bit too late to worry now I suppose.

 

IT'S YOUR LAST SHOPPING OPPORTUNITY BEFORE CHRISTMAS

Even I don't work on 25th December (unless you

put in a really gigantic order in which case I might be tempted).

jools@longdogsampler.com

 

 

Stag Party (19 euros).  This one must have been made for the

occasion as they look a bit like reindeer if you glance quickly.

 

Go on - treat yourself after all the hard work you've been

doing.  You'd make an old lady very happy and you

might even be a little bit pleased yourself.

 

 

 

 



Door Twenty-Three

Give us a kiss - I won't tell if you dont.

 

 

There's nothing like a bit of Pagan stuff to get the festivities

going.  Don't forget to take off a berry for every

kiss used and if you want to make it through

to 2015 don't suck your fingers after you've done it!

 

 

As you can see, as it's my first Christmas at the Lock-Up

I don't want to alarm everyone with a vulgar display

of flashing lights and twinkling stars so I've gone

for something rather more discreet for a change.

After all - less is more.

 

UNLESS YOU'RE BUYING LONG DOG'S

in which case more is very pleasing.

jools@longdogsamplers.com

 

 

Time is of the essence so how about panic buying

Rosemarkie to pop into a friend's stocking?

Only 6 euros each or five for 30 euros.

Whichever way you look at it, a cracking good deal.

 

 



Door Twenty-Two

It's beginning to feel a lot like Christmas!

 

 

And so much still left to do. 

Those last minute pressies to buy for the woman at

work who always gives you something hideous,

your second cousin twice removed and as for

the dog - he just won't make his mind up what

he wants this year.

 

 

 

Oh no!  They've started those get-away for two

holiday adverts even earlier this year.

Usually they have the decency to wait until at least

New Year's Eve.

But it does look rather tempting I must admit.

 

PRESENT IDEA FOR THE WOMAN AT WORK

 

 

Why not get her St Sylvestre.  Looks like a giant snowflake

and certainly not too expensive at 8 euros.

In fact, get one for your second cousin twice removed while you're at at.

jools@longdogsampler.com

 

I wonder if the dog would like one too?

 

 

 



Door Twenty-One - entrance to the Winter Solstice!

Well he looks pleased to see us, although he looks to me

as if he might be feeling guilty about something.

I wonder what it could be?

 

He's such a trusting soul and so excited about

Christmas.  He said he let some men in a little

while ago who came in a big white van

and is now beginning to think he should have asked

for some sort of identification.

 

 

I think he may have been right.

Where are the pressies, what's happened to all

the furniture and carpet and, if I remember

correctly, there used to be a big screen television

on that wall at the back.

The sooner he melts the better - he's a liability!

 

LET ME ATTEMPT TO SELL YOU SOMETHING

 

jools@longdogsampler.com

 

 

How about Tobasco (18 euros) just the thing

for those cold, wet January evenings

which always seem to last until April at the earliest.

 

 

 

 



Door Twenty

Not much longer to go now thank goodness.

I can't maintain this level of excitement indefinately,

at my age it's not wise.

 

 

Well this all looks rather jolly, if a little bit fake.

Looks like one should have a little lady painted on it

and the other a little man.  Think I'll go for the one on

the left and hope for the best.

 

 

And what an excellent choice that turned out to be

although I can't help feeling poor old Sean is

looking a little bit the worst for wear in this photo.

Must be all the little tots of whisky he has to drink

as he goes around delivering the pressies.

He won't volunteer again, it's harder than it looks,

as the actress said to the bishop (or should that be

actor in Sean's case?)

 

CENSORED!

 

 

Spirit of Vierlande (19 euros) is not for the fainthearted.

It takes a stitcher of courage and determination to tackle this

dangerous beauty.  Look the person stitching this one

lost the will to live halfway up the north face.

The mood can become so very changeable at that altitude.

 

jools@longdogsampler.com

 

You could always try it on and ask for it in

instalments to avoid putting too much strain on your

bank balance and indeed your sewing wrist.

 

 

 

 



Door Nineteen

P-pick a p-penguin.

He's the guy living at Number 4 with the blue door.

 

 

And, in his spare time he's also an agent for Jimmy Choo shoes.

 

Shoe of choice of the members of Peckham Trannies Anonymous

when they feel like doing some serious partying.

I'm just going to sit down quietly now and try to figure

out why the words "trannies" and "anonymous"

don't seem to sit well in the same sentence unless they

strut their stuff behind closed doors while Mr Penguin keeps

watch for the paparazzi looking for a good story down Peckham Rye.

 

AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT

 

jools@longdogsampler.com

 

It's lucky dip time, just send an email and order the first thing

that comes to mind.

 

 

Pawn 'n Claws (8 euros) that will do nicely and remember:

"None but cats and dogs may quarrel in my house."

 

 



Door Eighteen

After all yesterday's excitement I thought we should make

ourselves scarce for a bit while the scandal dies down
and our cheeks become less pink.

 

 

And it doesn't come much quieter or more remote than this

isolated little croft hidden away at a secret location

on the Isle of Jura, Scotland.

 

 

Today we've got something to really "grouse" about from

the naked, see-through to the snow with a couple of

other stops thrown in for good measure. 

Slainte!

 

ADVERT BREAK

- do not fast forward.

 

 

jools@longdogsampler.com

 

Pour yourself a wee dram, snuggle up in front of the fire,

admire your decorations and whilst still in a

reckless, party mood order yourself a copy of

the ever lovely Mots d'Amour - only 9 euros

and ever so easy to do from your i-pad!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



Door Seventeen B (upstairs flat)

Knock twice, ask for Gloria and take a seat while

you wait.

 

 

If you can read what it says you are either:

a.  too close

b.  definately in for a surprise, or

c.  should be ashamed of yourself, does your mother know

where you are?

 

 

Bet you didn't know Gloria's brother would open

the door.  Made me jump I can tell you

and I thought I was immune to surprises.

How's your blood pressure Ginger?

 

NO CREDIT GIVEN - WE ONLY ACCEPT PAYPAL

 

 

Quickly, click on the link and buy yourself a copy of

Quakers Dozen for 9 euros and try and

pretend you came to the wrong address.

 

jools@longdogsampler.com

 

I just hope none of this makes the nationals.

Reputations have been ruined for less.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



Door Sixteen

You will never guess in a million years

what lies behind this foreign facade.

 

 

Unless, of course, you've been cheating and have hacked into my

trusty laptop whilst I was engaged elsewhere.

Sounds like a euphamism (and probably an incorrectly

spelled one at that) to me.

 

Double trouble. 

A pair of darling greys waiting patiently

for a quick peck. 

I'll be with you in a minute but no tongues please,

you never know who may be looking.

 

STEP INTO THE SHOP

 

 

Paradigm isn't really Lost at all.  That's just an ugly

rumour put about by my competitors.

 

jools@longdogsampler.com

 

Dig deep in your pockets, look down the sofa,

break open those piggy banks and buy yourself a

copy at the very reasonable price of 19 euros.

It's a classic and deserves a place in everyone's stash.



Door Fifteen

We're over half way through the advent countdown to

Christmas.  I wonder how many of you are still

with me?

 

 

What startled it?  Why all those thousands of Long Dog

stitchers who keep coming up and knocking

eager to see what excitement is hidden behind it's

bland exterior.

 

 

It's the Fortnum & Mason's wagon delivering hampers to one and

one (including HMTQ and many of the other royals who've

given the staff time off over the festivities and want to make

sure there's something to nibble at while they watch

Granny's speech on the box).

 

SADLY NO ROYAL WARRANT FOR LONG DOG YET

but I'm sure the design I'm working on right now

entitled 1001 Corgis might just sway it in my favour.

 

 

Continuing with the "royal" theme, todays must have is

Hare Apparent (or Charlie Boy as it's sometimes known

and not just because of the big ears.)

Very affordable at 9 euros apiece.

 

jools@longdogsampler.com

 

Put on your robes of state and form an orderly queue please.

 



Door Fourteen

Aren't they cute athough I do think their keeper might

have scrubbed them up a bit before he took the photo.

 

 

They've been trying to get through those doors for ages

because once they got a whiff of what lay behind

nothing would budge them.

 

 

If there's one thing guaranteed to drive a panda wild it's

a glass of bubbly.  Unfortunately they can't hold their drink

and tend to fall over in the middle of the road.

The "panda crossing" was named after their drunken antics.

Not many people know that - not even Michael Caine

('cos I just made it up)!

 

BARGAIN TIME!!!!

 

 

 

Today, for one day only, I can let you have a pdf of The Token

at the normal price of 9 Euros.

jools@longdogsampler.com

 

Hurry, offer closes at midnight GMT.