Saturday, 15 March 2014

The Parish Newsletter!

Aforementioned item and a hefty pile of it's chums arrived
this morning ready to be hand delivered by my kinsfolk
to huts, hovels and mansions alike scattered the length
and breadth of the valley.
It's vastly more than the simple news sheet it's name implies.
It's a glossy gem packed from cover to cover with news,
views and forthcoming events.

These girls even leave the pips in their cherry jam!
As much a slice of rural life as the Women's Institute
pin up calendar/cake sale,
the village fete on the green and daily episodes of
the Archers (tum ti tum ti tum ti tum ....
...doh! said the ghost of Walter Gabriel from on high).
Many of you will not know what on earth that was all about
but it's inclusion was valid and necessary.  Really.

Photography by Anne Amateur
Where were we?
Ah yes, I remember, it's all coming back to me.
Just inside the daffodil encrusted front cover
is a list of dates for your diary.  Grab a pencil and take
them down.  There's something for everyone.

Just before the pectin kicks in.
Can you see someone at her window?
27th March is film night at Slightly-under-Clad when they
will be showing "A Night to Remember" (and that's a promise)
starring Merna Loye as the psycopathic jam maker,
Alice, who ends up hallucinating after a lethal overdose
of weapon's grade pectin.  She comes to a sticky end!

Take a tip from these two and try to reserve a place towards the back of the hall
to avoid possible mishaps like this.
29th March.  The Memorial Hall at Nether Garments looks all
set to bee-come a hive of activity when veteran apiarists,
honey-voiced Bea and Ernest Nadgers will be giving a talk
entitled "Bee Keeping - is it really such a pain in the arse?"
Tea to be served by a hot crumpet in the interval.
Royal Jelly £1 extra - Right Royal Jelly £2 extra.

Nice try ma'am but this event is only open to locals I'm afraid.
6th April is once again the date set for the notorious
Buckemhoff Ride, an event guaranteed to strike fear into the
heart of any participating equestrian.  Last year there were
fewer casualties than usual due to animal rights
activists diverting the riders away from Breakneck Vale
and up Nackered Hill, a much less onerous route.

Careful Camilla, don't rub our Rodney up the
wrong way whatever you do!
Anyone foolhardy enough to wish to volunteer to be a steward should
contact Camilla asap.  Fully body armour will be provided and
the Council have very kindly agreed to pay danger money.
Only serious candidates need apply - preferably with a military
background.  Camilla's orders.

Carry on gals and always remember to defend the
honour of the Little Arris troop to the last boy scout!
The Girl Guides over at Little Arris in the Mold, flushed with the
recent success of their 275 signature petition about something or
other have now decided to go global and will be
attempting to cover as many "arrises in the cold" by hand
sewing dresses for the organisation "Stitch Up the World"
which is run from a postal address in Rotherham.
They are currently appealing for knicker elastic, old duvet
covers, detonators and an ironing board.  Watch this space.

It all went downhill after the Government cut the funding for
library services - enough to give anyone the hump!
Getting tired?  Nearly through, only a couple more pages to go.
I'm not needed on the church cleaning rota next week,
the mobile library has changed days to Thursday
and the Mothering Sunday reading will be
Colossians - Chapter 3:12-17!
Same as last year, it's one of my favourites.

See what I mean.  Don't let that smirk fool you.
Willie by name, goodness knows what by nature.
I've been saving this till last -
can be homorous, ribald, nonesense or all three.
Surely my rendition of  "There was an old widow from Bath"
must be in with a chance this month - it's pure genius -
or I shall begin to think that the Very Reverend William Tweak
(known as Willie to those strange friends of his)
has rigged the vote yet again.

1 comment:

  1. Is it the Vicks? Or the water
    The cause of this series of twatter
    Yea, I know not, but here I go
    Add this to thine of what doesn't matter.