Sunday, 15 March 2015

Hold the headlines

As the days lengthen and the mornings become lighter
I seem to be getting up earlier and earlier
only to wonder how best to fill this new found time.
Which is why I was to be spotted yesterday
down on the marshes just after sparrow fart
digging away on Plot 6.

Not mad March hares - mad marsh horses instead
 It was a beautiful early spring morning;
Yarmouth way on the horizon was still shrouded
in sea mist; the birds were all singing;
you could see the horses' breath as they grazed
the hillocky grass and I was as near to being
at peace with the world as I will ever be.
That is until I spotted the very unnerving and rather
unkempt figure of a man climbing the fence into
the allotment gardens.  It was at that moment when the
phrase being at "one" with the world took on a new
and slightly sinister meaning.

Sort of like this but not tooled up.  At least not from where I was standing.
 I was "just one", all alone in the middle of nowhere,
feeling slightly rattled by this unnown man
behaving oddly to say the least.  What's more,
he appeared to be coming my way.
Flight would have been futile so I prepared for fight
instead and grasped the handle of my lovely new
fork with both hands until my knuckles turned
white and gleamed in the sun.
Nearer and nearer he came, stumbling occasionally
on the uneven terrain, the tails of his shabby tweed coat
flapping in the breeze.  Cue music from Jaws -
dah dah, dah dah, etc ......
He was, by now, no more than a few feet from me when
his face suddenly lit up with a cheery grin and in a very
posh voice he said: "Morning m'dear, Friday the
thirteenth you know.  Never take the car out on that day
so I'm taking this shortcut to the garage on the
roundabout as the wife's run out of bread again."

I must see what the committee think about putting up a sign.
 And then he lurched on by still following his diagonal route
across the allotments until he came to the boundary fence
which he also climbed but with less alacrity than the first.
Breathing a huge sigh of relief and having reprimanded
myself for being so jumpy I continued on with my deep
digging.  I also mentally deleted the headline I had imagined
adorning the front page of tomorrow's edition of the
Eastern Daily Press:
You can fill in the blanks.  I think the asterisks made
it just a tad more sensational.  With a lurid imagination
life can never, ever be dull!

I wonder if Colonel Sanders knows anything about this?
 Tomorrow "Genetically modified chicken attacks tourist
on Gorleston seafront."

No comments:

Post a Comment