Thursday, 24 July 2014

What's so special about 24th July?

Why this of course - happy birthday to me,
happy birthday to me, etc ......
Sixty seven not out, although there have been times along
the way when I wondered whether I would make it.
I shall be celebrating quietly as usual with
just my nearest and dearest, a few thousand carefully hand picked
guests, the band of the Scot's Dragoons, some four legged
friends in party gear topped off with a lazer display
and fireworks around midnight.
And if it's not visible from space then I shall ask for my money back! 

Wednesday, 23 July 2014

F * * K !!!!

I think, by now, that most of you are aware that I don't
always have the best of luck and today is no exception.
I have just received an email from a friend in France
to inform me that my brand new van with only about
3,000 kilometers on the clock which has been standing
on the local garage forecourt awaiting a buyer
has become the victim of a freak hailstorm.
The windscreen has been totally smashed,
all the hailstones the size of tennis balls have
entered into the van only to melt on the pristine
upholstery and the bodywork is completely wrecked.
An artist's impression.
In fact, it's a write off.
And to make matters even more peachy there is some
doubt that the insurance (which incidentally I have just
renewed) will cover it as it was not stationed
at Chateau Long Dog which is deemed to be my abode.
Let me just repeat that - F * * K -
it might make me feel better but somehow I doubt it.

Monday, 21 July 2014


How long did it take you to spot it?
It all started off innocently enough, as most things do, during the course of
a conversation with my youngest granddaughter regarding the merits
of having a couple of extra toes when faced with the task of
learning to swim.
We came to the conclusion that a couple of extra digits certainly wouldn't
 go amiss and might even make her progress through the water a little easier
and potentially swifter than her little classmates.
At this point things suddenly went awry and I now find myself
engaged in a bizarre competition to discover whether it is possible
to grow a couple of extra toes using the power of our
minds as our only tool.  So far I have nothing positive to report.

Can you see it?  I've blown the picture up a bit for you.
Now not many people know this but it's not actually that uncommon
a phenomena.  Liam Gallagher of Oasis fame has an extra toe,
Anne Boleyn, old Henry VIII's wife was said to have an extra
appendage or two and even characters in works of fiction
like Hannibal Lecter were digitally enhanced.

This experiment is open to all comers including animals and Alice too.

Talk to the paw or leave a message, your time starts now!
Good luck ........

Saturday, 19 July 2014

"Glad tidings of great joy"

Please try not to over react to today's catchy title.
I haven't won the lottery neither have I sold the chateaux
- damn and blast all round I hope you cry.
It's simply that I like the phrase.
For me it conjours up angels with trumpets,
messengers arriving on horseback or something
auspicious in need of immediate celebration.

Not quite the sort of messenger I had in mind.
 I'm also getting a little bored with "regards", "best wishes",
"cheers" and even the tried and tested "you take care now"
at the bottom of the majority of emails and letters which
I receive.  I'm such an old grump.

That's more like it, very peaceful.
So, not wanting to join them I have opted for an
altogether entirely different form of ending.
First off  I decided to designate the love
I was sending with a different shade each day
- big pink love, love the colour of a summer meadow,
love divine all loves excelling - sorry that's the
first line of No 47 Hymns Ancient & Modern for Schools.
I soon began to expand upon my theme,
much like with my designs, and the love had to be
more than just a colour it had to be an interesting
statement full of adjectives, metaphors and similies.
Today I received back "white root love" from
the divine Deborah of the deer and rocky places
which can only prove it must be starting to rub off
on others.  You guessed it - I'm after viral again!

Sorry labradors - lurchers win every time!
But let's not stop there, why not include taste and smell too!
Wouldn't you just love to receive thoughts evocative
of wet labradors sleeping by the fire on a winter's afternoon?
the perfume of apricots ripening in the sun or, a particular
favourite of mine, the heady aroma of fresh coffee
wafting from the kitchen?

Could this be the Moonstone Fairy,
I do so miss her?
Or even "I send you fairy dust gathered in my dreams
to make your day a little more special."
I wrote to the bank today - I wonder what they will
make of my "from your favourite customer I send you thoughts as
red as the figures on an overdraft and greetings as
round as the noughts on my balance!
Now how shall I sign myself on my note to the
rather fit young man who's currently doing the garden I wonder?

Friday, 18 July 2014

An ickle poem

The grass is green
The sky is blue

The birds go tweet
The cows go moo
The stars are bright
The night is dark

The owls go hoot
The dogs go bark
The clouds are white
The day is fair

The world's amazing
And I live there!

Wednesday, 16 July 2014

Scratch and sniff time

Todays post requires a modicum of audience participation
and a great deal of imagination because I am going to
attempt to bring to you, by the miracle of the internet,
- aroma!
 So flare those nostrils, limber up your olfactory senses and
prepare to be underwhelmed - it could all go horribly wrong!

Students at Canberra Catering College practicing their didgeridoo techniques
My daughter in law's family hail originally from the Lebanon
and tonight we will be dining on Djaj a Riz served with an
Australian accent and dished up with a didgeridoo
followed by Koala a la Grec (no, sorry, I lied about that bit
but it just tripped from my tongue before I could stop it).

These dudes have no sense of homour.
 I feel sure that if you concentrate hard enough you'll be able to pick it up.
You should be getting chicken breast simmering with
cinnamon, cloves, cardomon, allspice, pine nuts
and, of course, coarsely ground black pepper.

Hubble, bubble, toil and trouble 
It's been bubbling away for hours and reports are being received of
smellings as far away as Seattle and downtown Burbank.
Do keep those emails coming in, there's a prize for the wackiest whiff.
Later this afternoon my little marsupial will strain it all through
her pouch whilst singing Advance Australia Fair to the tune of Bat out of Hell,
taking care not to scald the resident Joey,
before lightly boiling some fragrant rice in the remaining stock.
I think I shall go for a walk around the block before my
gastric juices go into meltdown!

Wish you were here?   Bon appetit!

Monday, 14 July 2014

Have you seen the muffin man?

Do not approach this man, his muffins are past their eat by date!

Why?  Because I could do with a good muffin, that's why.
 Go at once to the naughty step, bad girl Julia, will you never be serious?

Anyone can join in.

New participants in this game of skill should definitely be intoxicated,
 although slightly deranged will do at a push,
and able to stand on one leg with a pint of beer balanced on their heads. 
That's only for starters.  Now here comes the difficult part -
you have to do a series of squats without spilling a drop.
The least soggy person wins and gets to drink what's left.
Bravo Jacqueline, you have such strong knees for an author.

Three - two - one - you're back in the room and the mad woman has gone.

Looks like Paradigm Unfinished to me but I've no idea
who the cat is.
How are you stitcher's all?
After a sweltering day yesterday it's business as usual again here 
- coming down stair rods, overcast and with a stiff breeze. 
Oh to be in England now that the end of the world is nigh. 
How goes the war by the way?
Still fighting you way resolutely through Bagatelle or even
Kell's Kritters and wishing you'd never started the darn thing
in the first place?  I know the feeling - you should see
some of the treats I have in store for you - they're huge!

I definitely need to be recumbent to watch this!
You find me ever so slightly bored today and casting round
for something diverting and amusing to do. 
So far I have found nothing so I may have to go onto the Amazon site
and do a little impulse buying to bring good cheer into my life. 
 DVD's seem to be the thing at the moment as I've got a little portable player
which I can quietly view in my room and it works admirably. 

Wouldn't you know it, the weather's even
worse in Narnia!
Lay flat on back (or at a slight angle should you prefer). 
Balance said player on chest/stomach, insert disc, push START
and away we go for a couple of hours. 
It's better than visiting Narnia as it doesn't involve bending double
and clambering about in the back of dusty old wardrobes looking
for the exit sign.
Looks like someone made an "apology" that
they'll need to apologise for.

I seem to have said a lot in terms of word count but very little
(better make that nothing actually) when it comes to hot cross stitch
gossip or even some of the lukewarm, second-hand variety.
But I make no apology as I lent the pattern to a friend and
they never returned it.  That's friends for you.

No one should look this cheerful in the morning.

To-day's top tip:  Always use a low fat spread on your muffin because I
think you'll find it's cheaper and doesn't sting as much as butter!