Saturday, 30 August 2014

It's only a matter of time .......

..... before police catch up with the culprit.
Sales of these ready-to-go giant cross stitches have
rocketed recently.  They're widely available on the net
with Amazon usually the first point of call for
would be "wall stitchers".
And, generally speaking, most people decorate their
homes whilst still managing to stay within the
bounds of good taste and common decency.
Sweet dreams S & E (thank goodness it wasn't S & M).
I particularly like the simplicity of this unknown designer
who's urge to be creative has obviously, finally driven
them completely up the wall.
And then there are the mavericks!
Come on now.  Own up.  Who did this?
You've been caught on camera and it's only a
matter of time before a SWAT squad comes
pounding at your door!
Suzie, you've got a shirt like that haven't you?

Thursday, 28 August 2014

Don't get me started ......

..... or perhaps it's too late to stop me.
This was not quite the image I was looking for but it will do.
I'm on a rant about my pet hates and high on the list
is white stiletto heeled shoes with black tights.
Don't ask my why it just infuriates me.
Also silly mares who don't know where to draw the line
- see above.
Loom bands - what's that all about?  I'm all for people
learning how to make something but these are just naff.
Hopefully it's only a passing fad as a paramedic I was talking
to the other day fervently agrees.  He's getting really
pissed off with being summoned to the aid of people
who have actually managed to ingest them.
Try sucking a Fisherman's Friend instead - much
more satisfying and under current legislation they
still can't touch you for it.
I'm sorry but this really shouldn't be allowed.
It may not actually hurt the poor animal but to me it's abuse of
the worst kind.  They give us their trust and this is what
some people do to them in return.  Bastards.
Navy blue school knickers - guaranteed to give an
impressionable young girl all sorts of hang ups.
Mine were always my sister's hand me down's, often
with the odd hole or two and always several sizes too big.
However the pocket did come in handy when trying
to dispose of something unpalatable in my school dinner,
usually a large lump of black potatoe or a caterpillar in my lettuce.
Red.  I can't cope with it even in small quantities.
Even the tiniest hint of it on my clothing is guaranteed to
put me in a very strange mood indeed and as for the
room above it's somewhere that could well
send me over the edge in a very short time indeed.
That's why Mouline Rouge took me some time to finish
- half a dozen stitches and I had to put it down for a while
to regain my composure.
And finally for today, what's so difficult about flushing the loo?
If the guy in the cubicle can manage it I'm sure
everyone else can!
Do as you would be done by - please.
Floss, brush, flush and wash.

Tuesday, 26 August 2014

Art or self abuse?

There used to be an advert for Cadbury's "Roses Chocolates"
when I was a wain which read quite simply -
"roses grow on you"
And they did.  They were a treat and only ever put in an
appearance on high days and holidays in our house.
I was particularly fond of the orange cream.
Unfortunately so was my sister and she outranked me.
Although the strawberry cream did come a passable second.
I'm not quite sure, however, what the manufacturers would have
made of this and to tell the truth I'm not sure what
I make of it either.
I hope it doesn't say anything too rude but I apologise
in advance if your granny found it offensive.
I can remember as a child being fascinated by tattoos as they
were always regarded by my mother as being a bit "seedy"
which for me made them highly desirable acquisitions.
I once had a sailor nearly stripped to the waist on Cromer Pier,
much to the Crimplene Queen (my mother's) horror,
such was my desire to view these curiosities up close and personal.
But that's another story for a chill winter's evening.
Looks suspiciously like Bagatelle to me before the
cross threads have been added in!
Perhaps I've finally been immortalised in the flesh so to speak.
These days I'm not so sure.  They're common place,
two a penny and some of them very tacky indeed.
I dare to be different, don't do samey,
refuse to conform so for me they've lost their
slightly dangerous allure ........
 .... but then perhaps not, it's a girl's prerogative to change her mind
occasionally.  Show us the one on your thigh Becks ....

Sunday, 24 August 2014

Lady In Waiting - another ickle poem!

There is a place inside my head
Where I drift off to at night
In order to review my day
With both eyes closed up tight.

No scarey thoughts are welcome there
Nor troubles of the world.
The only guests I entertain
Are lurcher dogs, tight curled.
It's there I'll pass a quiet hour
Before sweet sleep descends
Dreaming dreams of what may be
And pleasures without end.

Perhaps one day you'll join me there
Who knows - there's room for two
But till such time I'll carry on
Content to wait for you.


Some day my ponce prince will come!
(well, we all know what my luck's like).

Friday, 22 August 2014

This 'n that ....

I awoke this morning freezing cold and stiff all over
- autumn has arrived!

There's something about a kilt don't you think?
Of course it could have had something to do with the fact
that I had managed to kick off all my covers whilst dreaming
of a close encounter with Liam Neeson in his role as Rob Roy McGregor
complete with sporran and huge claymore, 
and that yesterday I had been rather more active than of late,
which would account for both the coldness and the creaky joints.
The big smile was for other reasons pictured above.
A beastie free corner of the kitchen
I also awoke to an email telling of the passing of an old
friend and just when it was his turn to get them in too!
Happy landings Mike, at least it won't hurt any more.
But what chilled me most was my kinswoman's parting shot
up the stairs as she left in her usual haste for work ....
"There's something under the ramekin in the kitchen, mum.
Can you deal with it please?" and this from a sheila
who's grown up with giant redbacks in her dunnie.
Fortified with a steaming mug of Earl Grey and armed only
with a pair of oven gloves and a tea towel I plucked
up all my courage and with a cry of
"I'm going in!"
I advanced upon the afore mentioned ramekin
and lifted it swiftly aloft.
I don't know who was the more surprised - the beastie or
me - but with one swift swipe with the tea cloth
I had him bound, gagged and expelled from the house
in no time, although the bifold doors proved a little
more tricky to open one handed than I had anticipated.
"Wow, that was a big one" as I had said to dear
Liam only a short while earlier.

Wednesday, 20 August 2014

Stroll on, now there's a turn up for the books!

It was beginning to get on my thrupenny bits and so
all on my Jack Jones, and with my mince pies peeled,
I climbed the apples and pears at my son's drum and
nearly let rip a raspberry tart into the bargain
as I bent into one of my packing crates for a quick

And would you Adam and Eve it - there they were,
my old china plates, the Pearlies. 
Some light fingered tea leaf hadn't gorn off with them after all!

I told you they was a bit twee.

So when you've all stopped larfin and finished yer pie
mash and likker we'll have a bit
of community singing for a change.
All together now .....

Uncle Tom was always one for the ladies until he was Uncle Dick!

Any time you’re Lambeth way Any evening, any day,
You’ll find us all Doin’ the Lambeth walk.
Ev’ry little Lambeth gal With her little Lambeth pal,
You’ll find ‘em all Doin’ the Lambeth walk.

Ev’rything free and easy, Do as you darn well pleasey,
Why don’t you make your way there? Go there, stay there,
Once you get down Lambeth way Ev’ry evening, ev’ry day,
You’ll find yourself Doin’ the Lambeth walk.   Oi.

Come on Camilla, I could murder a Ruby.

Monday, 18 August 2014

Are you ready for Sally Hewett?

If you're into something a bit sassy then Sally's your girl.
She's the woman who put the "tit" in stitcher ......
She's an embroidress who's work is full of joie de vie,
her "cock-a-hoop" is definately X rated
but if you fancy a peek here's the link to her site:
Some of the pieces are a bit rude but you have
been warned!
This cheeky little number goes by the name of Robert Walpole
of all people.  Imagine having him hanging around in your boudoir.
And this rather charming little item is entitled
Charlottes Merkin.
Now this is where my ignorance started to show as I didn't
know what a "merkin" was until I Googled it.
So I can now, with still slightly pink cheeks (Freudian
choice of word), reliably inform you all
that it's a pubic wig of all things.
Definately something to tickle you fancy on a long
winter's evening in front of the fire.
Rising Moons
Remember now, whatever you chose to do with
your embroidery hoops in the privacy of your own homes
is entirely up to you but I think you'll find that
the girl Sally has already got most angles well and truly covered.
Bottoms up!