Saturday, 30 March 2013

Three cheers for the honey cart!

Those of you living in rural areas whose properties are not connected to mains drainage will know why I'm rejoicing.

No cuddly Easter Bunnies on this blog, we live life in the raw here at Chateau Long Dog and it doesn't get much more down to earth than a visit from the sludge gulper.  I've been pumped out, pressure washed and relieved of vast sums of money to boot and all before 10am and my first chocolate chip muffin of the day.  Still an end at last to all those nasty niffs that I've been blaming on the dogs and all before the summer drought season kicks in again.

It's surprising what a quick poke with a sharp metaphorical stick will bring about,.  You remember the little snippet of St Sylvestre which I had purloined last week well a lady called Just Me of the Just Let Me Change That blog owned up to it and here is the magnificent beast when finally finished.

It hangs ( I have absolutely no idea where although I think the V&A is a very silly guess Alice) in the illustrious company of some Ink Circles designs and although when the final whistle blew the score was Ink Circles 3 Long Dog 1 I have to admit they do all sit very well together.  Oranges all round for the teams.

It's cross stitch overkill this week chaps.  One of my mates wanted a cushion for her birthday and here is my magnificent attempt to fulfil her every wish - St Germain with knobs on!  Beads actually but I prefer the sound of knobs.
And at the touch of a button (I didn't even think knob then - really Camilla you get worse every week) we zoom in top left for a bit more detail.  I know you like to get up close and personal whenever possible.
So try not to dribble as you lean over this because stain removal is definately not my forte and the cushion is no longer my property. 
Just time to show you the sun setting behind the top field in a desperate attempt to bring your pulse rates back to normal and then I must nip out and hide the eggs for my two pagan pooches to hunt out tomorrow.  There's no peace for the wicked or the Wiccans.

Saturday, 23 March 2013

To whom it may concern .....

I should just like to make it quite clear that I do all the double entendres and risque remarks around here so would you (singly or collectively) please stop trying to post comments of a spurious nature on this blog.  That told them!

And whilst we're on the subject, no one is interested in the size of your "equipment" nor are we gagging to watch your latest attempts at pornography.  That's ornithology you're thinking of Alice dear - different sort of birds.
I'm afraid that running a hugely popular blog such as this can have it's downside, but on a lighter note, as we speak, stitchers all over Latvia (the latest Long Dog hot spot) are tweeting away to their chums about Hare Apparent and Kells Kritters.  (Had to get a plug in somewhere). 
Look I found this photo on the web (hope they don't mind), someone has obviously taken Do Bears on holiday with them.  I came across it quite by chance while searching on "Long Doggers" a phrase which seems to have acquired slightly sleasey connotations on some search engines so from henceforth, or fifth even, the faithful few will now be knows as "Long Dog Officianados".   It's got rather a nice ring to it don't you think.
Found this version of St Sylvestre too.  A rather unusual choice of colour but it seems to work very well.  Perhaps they'll post the whole design when it's finished - knowing my luck they'll probably sue me for using their photo.  Hey, ho!
Just one thing more to mention - the silent phone calls.  I know it's not the dodgey wine salesman from Bordeaux as he always speaks, in fact you can't shut him up and it's certainly not the company who sell frozen ready-meals to the gastronomically suicidal.  Who in their right mind would call a range of food "Gastro" but one bright spark in England has, watch out for the ads if you want a good laugh.  I've narrowed it down to these two prime suspects as they both go on at length and never really seem to say anything.  Like the new politically savvy slant?  Now for some good, old-fashioned smut - way to go Camilla!
Feast your eyes on this handsome chap.  Never mind Alice, I'll explain later but just tell me something first - you weren't the verger in Vicar of Dibley in a former life by any chance were you?   


Sunday, 17 March 2013

So what's the magic number .....

why it's 50 of course.  I promised myself that when the number of followers reached 50 (and, yes Camilla, that does include all those titled tiaras who wish to remain photo-less), I would offer you a freebie to download.

Times are hard everywhere and these days getting something for nothing doesn't happen very often.  But Lady Bountiful here at the Chateau is in a generous mood and wanting to spread a little of her largesse amongst her serfs.  Yes Alice dear I suppose it is rather like HMTQ giving out the Maundy Money.  Cheers ma'am, a little Dutch courage never hurt anyone.
Now here's the rub.  This offer is only open to my faithful followers.  We've got to keep the riff raff out somehow, particularly that rather unpleasant mob from the Rye.  All you need to do is send me a suitably grovelling e-mail to and I will do the necessary having first checked that you are actually registered for benefits.
Sorry Freudian slip there, I flashed back to my youth for a moment when I used to sign on for the dole every Thursday before noon.  That's me on the far left, yes - the bandy one, ricketts were a real curse back then,  Ah! happy days.
I was afraid this might happen, news of the give-away has already hit the streets and the picture above was taken only minutes ago in St Flovier when the mayor decided to put the riot squad on stand-by in case of possible crowd unrest.  So let's press on quickly to avoid possible loss of life ....

And now I can reveal what all the fuss is about.  Ladies, transvestites and sailors everywhere it gives me great pleasure (but that's yet another story) to proudly present, splitting infinitives as I boldly go ..... fanfare of trumpets, crowds go wild with anticipation and the mayor estimates the cost of crowd control on his tight budget ....
Don't push, form an orderly queue as we did when sweeties were on ration, wait your turn now .....  what have I done?

Saturday, 9 March 2013

La Maladie des Brodeuse

"You have it." she announced, she being my dear friend who lives in a hovel just outside the grounds of Chateau Long Dog.  Now here's where I made my mistake, "Have what?" I asked.  I should have known better after all the time I've known her.

A deathly silence filled the air, birds fell silent in the trees and Geordie struggled with trapped wind bless him - and lost, as she collected her thoughts.  "Why la Maladie des Brodeuse of course, you bear all the classic signs."  The random motifs, by the way, are just to keep Alice and those of you with the attention span of a goldfish amused while I continue my tale.

My friend is the font of all knowledge particularly anything medical or which concerns the natural world about us.  She knows just when to plant, when to cut back mercilessly and even when the bitch across the valley comes into season - and we're not talking canines here!

But I digress.  Apparently the first sign of this debilitating, but never fatal, affliction is a lump which appears above the wrist.  No Alice, not your thumb, this is the other side below the pinky.  Then the top finger joints begin to click, stiffen and go lumpy and some people (particularly sailors, although I think with them it's probably due to other causes) develop a cushion like swelling between thumb and forefinger.

There's no turning back at this point, the next thing you know is that you wake up one morning with your hand contorted into a claw, like the dude above, which only massage, copious cups of Rosie Lee (Cockney slang for tea) and intensive cross stitching by way of physiotherapy will alleviate.

At this late stage of "la maladie" you have only two options left open to you - abandon embroidery forever or, and I don't wish to become a bore about this (see above) but it really does make sense, for me anyway, buy yourself copies of Hare Apparent and Kells Kritters and soldier on regardless like countless generations of claw-handed cross stitchers before you.  I know what I chose ....... order now before it gets any worse!

And why am I giving you "the finger" - because I don't want you to forget your weekly piece of STRING that's why ..... - it's oh so silly, extremely salubrious and very, very sophisticated even though I do say so myself and only a click away.