Saturday, 30 August 2014

It's only a matter of time .......

..... before police catch up with the culprit.
Sales of these ready-to-go giant cross stitches have
rocketed recently.  They're widely available on the net
with Amazon usually the first point of call for
would be "wall stitchers".
And, generally speaking, most people decorate their
homes whilst still managing to stay within the
bounds of good taste and common decency.
Sweet dreams S & E (thank goodness it wasn't S & M).
I particularly like the simplicity of this unknown designer
who's urge to be creative has obviously, finally driven
them completely up the wall.
And then there are the mavericks!
Come on now.  Own up.  Who did this?
You've been caught on camera and it's only a
matter of time before a SWAT squad comes
pounding at your door!
Suzie, you've got a shirt like that haven't you?

Thursday, 28 August 2014

Don't get me started ......

..... or perhaps it's too late to stop me.
This was not quite the image I was looking for but it will do.
I'm on a rant about my pet hates and high on the list
is white stiletto heeled shoes with black tights.
Don't ask my why it just infuriates me.
Also silly mares who don't know where to draw the line
- see above.
Loom bands - what's that all about?  I'm all for people
learning how to make something but these are just naff.
Hopefully it's only a passing fad as a paramedic I was talking
to the other day fervently agrees.  He's getting really
pissed off with being summoned to the aid of people
who have actually managed to ingest them.
Try sucking a Fisherman's Friend instead - much
more satisfying and under current legislation they
still can't touch you for it.
I'm sorry but this really shouldn't be allowed.
It may not actually hurt the poor animal but to me it's abuse of
the worst kind.  They give us their trust and this is what
some people do to them in return.  Bastards.
Navy blue school knickers - guaranteed to give an
impressionable young girl all sorts of hang ups.
Mine were always my sister's hand me down's, often
with the odd hole or two and always several sizes too big.
However the pocket did come in handy when trying
to dispose of something unpalatable in my school dinner,
usually a large lump of black potatoe or a caterpillar in my lettuce.
Red.  I can't cope with it even in small quantities.
Even the tiniest hint of it on my clothing is guaranteed to
put me in a very strange mood indeed and as for the
room above it's somewhere that could well
send me over the edge in a very short time indeed.
That's why Mouline Rouge took me some time to finish
- half a dozen stitches and I had to put it down for a while
to regain my composure.
And finally for today, what's so difficult about flushing the loo?
If the guy in the cubicle can manage it I'm sure
everyone else can!
Do as you would be done by - please.
Floss, brush, flush and wash.

Tuesday, 26 August 2014

Art or self abuse?

There used to be an advert for Cadbury's "Roses Chocolates"
when I was a wain which read quite simply -
"roses grow on you"
And they did.  They were a treat and only ever put in an
appearance on high days and holidays in our house.
I was particularly fond of the orange cream.
Unfortunately so was my sister and she outranked me.
Although the strawberry cream did come a passable second.
I'm not quite sure, however, what the manufacturers would have
made of this and to tell the truth I'm not sure what
I make of it either.
I hope it doesn't say anything too rude but I apologise
in advance if your granny found it offensive.
I can remember as a child being fascinated by tattoos as they
were always regarded by my mother as being a bit "seedy"
which for me made them highly desirable acquisitions.
I once had a sailor nearly stripped to the waist on Cromer Pier,
much to the Crimplene Queen (my mother's) horror,
such was my desire to view these curiosities up close and personal.
But that's another story for a chill winter's evening.
Looks suspiciously like Bagatelle to me before the
cross threads have been added in!
Perhaps I've finally been immortalised in the flesh so to speak.
These days I'm not so sure.  They're common place,
two a penny and some of them very tacky indeed.
I dare to be different, don't do samey,
refuse to conform so for me they've lost their
slightly dangerous allure ........
 .... but then perhaps not, it's a girl's prerogative to change her mind
occasionally.  Show us the one on your thigh Becks ....

Sunday, 24 August 2014

Lady In Waiting - another ickle poem!

There is a place inside my head
Where I drift off to at night
In order to review my day
With both eyes closed up tight.

No scarey thoughts are welcome there
Nor troubles of the world.
The only guests I entertain
Are lurcher dogs, tight curled.
It's there I'll pass a quiet hour
Before sweet sleep descends
Dreaming dreams of what may be
And pleasures without end.

Perhaps one day you'll join me there
Who knows - there's room for two
But till such time I'll carry on
Content to wait for you.


Some day my ponce prince will come!
(well, we all know what my luck's like).

Friday, 22 August 2014

This 'n that ....

I awoke this morning freezing cold and stiff all over
- autumn has arrived!

There's something about a kilt don't you think?
Of course it could have had something to do with the fact
that I had managed to kick off all my covers whilst dreaming
of a close encounter with Liam Neeson in his role as Rob Roy McGregor
complete with sporran and huge claymore, 
and that yesterday I had been rather more active than of late,
which would account for both the coldness and the creaky joints.
The big smile was for other reasons pictured above.
A beastie free corner of the kitchen
I also awoke to an email telling of the passing of an old
friend and just when it was his turn to get them in too!
Happy landings Mike, at least it won't hurt any more.
But what chilled me most was my kinswoman's parting shot
up the stairs as she left in her usual haste for work ....
"There's something under the ramekin in the kitchen, mum.
Can you deal with it please?" and this from a sheila
who's grown up with giant redbacks in her dunnie.
Fortified with a steaming mug of Earl Grey and armed only
with a pair of oven gloves and a tea towel I plucked
up all my courage and with a cry of
"I'm going in!"
I advanced upon the afore mentioned ramekin
and lifted it swiftly aloft.
I don't know who was the more surprised - the beastie or
me - but with one swift swipe with the tea cloth
I had him bound, gagged and expelled from the house
in no time, although the bifold doors proved a little
more tricky to open one handed than I had anticipated.
"Wow, that was a big one" as I had said to dear
Liam only a short while earlier.

Wednesday, 20 August 2014

Stroll on, now there's a turn up for the books!

It was beginning to get on my thrupenny bits and so
all on my Jack Jones, and with my mince pies peeled,
I climbed the apples and pears at my son's drum and
nearly let rip a raspberry tart into the bargain
as I bent into one of my packing crates for a quick

And would you Adam and Eve it - there they were,
my old china plates, the Pearlies. 
Some light fingered tea leaf hadn't gorn off with them after all!

I told you they was a bit twee.

So when you've all stopped larfin and finished yer pie
mash and likker we'll have a bit
of community singing for a change.
All together now .....

Uncle Tom was always one for the ladies until he was Uncle Dick!

Any time you’re Lambeth way Any evening, any day,
You’ll find us all Doin’ the Lambeth walk.
Ev’ry little Lambeth gal With her little Lambeth pal,
You’ll find ‘em all Doin’ the Lambeth walk.

Ev’rything free and easy, Do as you darn well pleasey,
Why don’t you make your way there? Go there, stay there,
Once you get down Lambeth way Ev’ry evening, ev’ry day,
You’ll find yourself Doin’ the Lambeth walk.   Oi.

Come on Camilla, I could murder a Ruby.

Monday, 18 August 2014

Are you ready for Sally Hewett?

If you're into something a bit sassy then Sally's your girl.
She's the woman who put the "tit" in stitcher ......
She's an embroidress who's work is full of joie de vie,
her "cock-a-hoop" is definately X rated
but if you fancy a peek here's the link to her site:
Some of the pieces are a bit rude but you have
been warned!
This cheeky little number goes by the name of Robert Walpole
of all people.  Imagine having him hanging around in your boudoir.
And this rather charming little item is entitled
Charlottes Merkin.
Now this is where my ignorance started to show as I didn't
know what a "merkin" was until I Googled it.
So I can now, with still slightly pink cheeks (Freudian
choice of word), reliably inform you all
that it's a pubic wig of all things.
Definately something to tickle you fancy on a long
winter's evening in front of the fire.
Rising Moons
Remember now, whatever you chose to do with
your embroidery hoops in the privacy of your own homes
is entirely up to you but I think you'll find that
the girl Sally has already got most angles well and truly covered.
Bottoms up!

Saturday, 16 August 2014

Mouline Bleu

Call off the dogs!

Tell the search parties to return to base!
Radio air-sea rescue to stand down!
The lost sheep is back in the fold!
 It's been found!

Mouline Bleu has been stumbled across by a team of
international art theives while caseing Peg's winter
hideaway in deepest Florida in search of hidden Picasso's
to sell at auction to the highest bidder.

For some reason they didn't bother to take
Mouline Bleu (probably too hot a cookie for even them
to handle) but they did "take" a photo with the aid of
their flashlights, hence the flare on the glass.

Best check out your insurance Peg in case they
come back for all that blue and white porcelaine
some day.  A girl can't be too careful you know!

Thursday, 14 August 2014

Rain, rain, go away ......

.... come again another day,
Little Julia wants to play .....
The view from my window just now, I thought about
adding some ducks but haven't found out how yet.
...... with her new Samsung Galaxy SIII.
It's a little something I treated myself to on the spur of
the moment just to say "I love me" - which I do.
I'd recently paid a visit to "uncle's" with my old wedding ring
and some other bits and pieces of sundry jewellery
which carried bad vibes and the proceeds covered the cost
even leaving a little bit over for a rainy day.
A little well-placed ad here and there never hurts!
So being in a generous mood, and as it was in fact coming down stair rods, 
I decided to blow the rest on a customised cover for the little dude.
Doesn't he look smart?  White is so his colour.
My son's raised beds and the amorous pumpkin also the subject
of to-day's singalong:  I can snap clearly now that the rain has stopped .....
However, don't go expecting the quality of my photography to
improve overnight because buyings one thing
- taking shit hot photos is quite another matter.

Tuesday, 12 August 2014

And there it was - gone!

The other day I set out in search of The Work Box
which was a great little needlework and craft shop
situated on Timber Hill in Norwich and to my great dismay
it appears to have ceased trading.
Gone, but not forgotten especially by me.

The premises remain the same, but empty except for a few
old cardboard boxes and the usual pile of junk mail
and flyers.  I had a particularly soft spot for this shop
as Helen Orrick and her mother were the first people
to show faith in my work and stock Long Dog Designs
as they were called back in the day.
All Things before it's sibling All Things II existed or was even a twinkle in my eye.

They took my entire range which consisted of
five designs, very crudely packaged and,
if I'm honest, not very well produced either.
Well we all have to start somewhere.
See the date?  Not only last century, but last milennia!  God I feel old.

The range consisted of  the ever popular All Things Bright & Beautiful,
and Birds of a Feather (the original currently hangs in the loo
back at the chateau).  I mustn't forget it when I finally move out.
It's still on my "to do" list.

Then there was Time & Tide, the only Long Dog I've never to this
day got around to stitching, and The Wish which started off
as a black on white mono.  It looked so bloody funereal, even
by my standards, so I redesigned it in Gentle Art colours
which cheered the poor thing up no end.
That's a bit better.
Which brings us to Number Five - The Pearlies.
It was a rather twee little row of men and women all dressed
as pearlie kings and queens and covered in tiny pearl beads.
My Cockney roots were definately showing the day I dreamed
that one up and I have to admit it was not my finest hour.

You get the gist.
 I have a picture somewhere, as I know full well you all like
a good laugh, but you'll just have to wait a bit as I'm
currently living out of suitcases and boxes and a
preliminary search has failed to find the CD I saved it on.
Patience ladies, gentlemen and members of the
Scottish National Party, all will one day be revealed.
In the meantime RIP The Work Box
and bonne chance Helen Orrick and Mummy Orrick
wherever you are.  I miss you.

Monday, 11 August 2014

The old Ohio trail .....

..... is the route we'll be taking today as we're off to visit
a very good girl indeed.  And what's so good about her?
She sent me a photo of her finished work, that's what
and now has become my best friend ever,
well at least until someone else shows up with a photo.
Mound City, a stop along the route.  I wonder where the ladies is?
The trail goes through some beautiful countryside although
what went wrong at Newark I'm don't quite know.  But what I do know
is there's an anagram in there somewhere although it may be rude.
My temporary bestie Jana has chosen to hang her Mouline Rouge
(worked in Needlepoint silk no. 504 on 40# cream New Castle linen)
right near the TV thereby creating the first ever cross stitch
screen saver which means she's got something good to look
at while the ads are on or when some politician's spouting
on about the state of the nation.
Jana also let slip under interrogation that there's a version
out there somewhere which goes by the name of Mouline Bleu.
The hunt is on - no reward is offered for information
leading to it's whereabouts.


Friday, 8 August 2014

Now not many people know that ......

.... to half inch the Michael Caine quote which he always denies saying.
The 9th of August is an august date and, you guessed,
I'm going to tell you why.
Purely and simply because I couldn't come up with
anything else for your delight and delictation today.

Leaning tower of pizzas!
 In 1173 construction of the Tower of Pisa began
and took two years to complete and they
still managed to get it on the piss.
Staying with the Italians, but fast forwarding
a couple of centuries. in 1483 the Sistine Chapel
in the Vatican was officially opened by some
scruffy geezer in a hat with a feather.

  Now this one will make your jaws drop -
in 1803 the very first horses arrived in Hawaii.
Aloha, welcome to you and please don't eat the lei.


As for august personages the only one I'd ever
heard of was Betty Boop and she's a cartoon character.

I promise to do better next time.

Love & kisses - Julia

xxxxx porridge xxxxxx cornflakes xxxxxx rice crispies xxxxx
(I'm a cereal kisser!)

Thursday, 7 August 2014

Have a deco .......

I took myself off into Norwich yesterday for
a little walk around before I finally lose the use of my
legs through inactivity and downright SLOTH.

How cool is he?
  What a lovelly word it is, what pictures it conjures
in my head and what truly glorious creatures sloths are.
I think I shall come back as one in my next
incarnation and see how it feels to hang motionless,
suspended in a tree for hours on end.
Much like my life now probably but with a better view.
I digress.  Normally I wander about looking straight ahead
in case I should bump into anyone and occasionally
looking down in the vain hope that someone might have
dropped something interesting that might carry a huge
reward for it's safe return.
 Yesterday I cast my eyes aloft from when cometh my
salvation (alledgedly) and there I saw a wonderful
example of art deco that soars above the entrance
to the old Edwardian arcade in the city centre.
How glorious is that!
However my thoughts soon came down to earth,
thank goodness, and I neatly managed to side step
a large dog's turd lurking on the pavement
just waiting for an unsuspecting victim to step on it.
He'll look after anybody - even baby owls!
 My guardian greyhound must have been
watching out for me!  Thank you boy.

Tuesday, 5 August 2014

That feeling of being watched!

Do you get it too?
Every time I turn on my computer for a spot of serious Googling
(which, incidentally, can cause blindness in those who
over-indulge) there they are!
What?  I hear you cry in a puzzled tone.
Why invasions of my privacy, that's what!

See what I mean?

The other day was a prime example.  I had just gone on line
to check that my pension had been paid into my account
and the first thing to greet me was a giant cartoon
birthday cake in the shape of a G for Google,
ablaze with candles and surrounded by sickly looking
over-iced cup cakes also complete with pyrotechnics.
Yeuk - and as I hovered my cursor over the whole
ghastly sight up popped a message saying
"Happy birthday Julia".  Creepy or what?
Cyber stalking, and who do you report it to when the
service providers are the biggest offenders!

My wristwatch finally died on me a couple of months back
and to this day each time I venture onto Facebook
there are unsolicited little ads for ladies timepieces
jotted down the margin - give me a codpiece any day!

Quick someone, they're starting to breed!

A search for "trugs" caused me even more annoyance as the
article in question was intended as a present so imagine
how irritating it was to have them pop up on my screen just
as I was trying to show the intended recipient something
totally unrelated on my laptop.

In case "they" are reading I should just like to say
an extremely heartfelt and very loud "BUGGER OFF".
Leave me alone, stop reading my emails,
mind your own business, the more you harass the
more determined I become not to buy the products
you are pushing even if I need them.

Well I wasn't expecting that.

Later today I shall be researching "whips" and "handcuffs"
for no better reason than to be perverse.
Then I shall just sit back and wait and see what "comes up"
if you get my drift!

Rage against intrusion, in my book (if you'll forgive the pun)
these are the only form of pop up that I'm prepared to accept.