Sunday, 21 July 2013

Sunday, bloody Sunday ....

... it's almost unbearably hot and humid, all the shops are shut, all the neighbours appear to be away and not only are my feet, legs and hands very swollen from mosquito bites but I've just gone into my bedroom only to discover that the floor is black with ants and the air is thick with the flying variety.  They're in everywhere.

I am seriously pissed off!  What to do - write a poem of course while I wait for a plan to form.

The Joys of Country Living by a hard bitten and much tried old bat

Alas, alack, the moles are back,
They're digging up my grass.
I'd like to take the spade to them
And whack them on the arse.

Caloo, caley you'll hear me say
As I grab the swotter quick
There's ants all in the bedroom now
And they're massing really thick.

Well dearey me, look over there.
Look hard beneath my chair
The biggest spider you've ever seen
- don't want him in my hair.

Oh bloody hell! What to do now
A lizard's in the sink
I wonder how long he's been in there
And whether lizard's shrink.

Hark the herald angels sing
But me, I just shout run!
There's a hornet in my teacup now
And they sting you on the bum.

Oh lorks-a-lummee - it's cockney that
It's meaning quite unknown
But just the turn of phrase I need
For a toad beneath a stone.

Oh! snakes alive ...........

Readers suggestions and advice of a positive nature would be much appreciated, I fear that for once these little critters have got me beaten.  Apparently they can even withstand nuclear meltdown so what hope for me and has anyone got a spare bed for the night for me and the hairey ones please?


  1. Have you got a vac? Slurp them up - it's empowering....

  2. What a great poem!! Hope you have a notebook started so you can take them all to the publisher when you are finished. :)

  3. Well if it makes you feel better Julia, we have had the coldest weekend on record. We call those ants bullants but I think ours are bigger at 1" or so. We used to pour petrol on them and set them on fire haha as that was the only way to get rid of the buggars. We don't see them so much any more (I wonder why :-) ) . The only thing for the spider is lots and lots of insect spray. Loved the poem. PS How was your Birthday??