Thursday 31 December 2015

Long Dog Addiction - PART ll : Take the test

 WARNING:  This article does contain subliminal advertising which is not suitable for persons of a nervous disposition or those under the age of consent.  (I can wait!)  There are also no pictures because sufferers of LDA are not a pretty sight as they often neglect their appearances in the relentless pursuit of their cravings however it must be stated that Long Dog Samplers are a legal high and in a class of their own.

Before taking the test to discover whether or not you are LDA Positive (Long Dog Addicted) it's probably a good idea for us to have a quick run through of some of the most common signs and symptoms of this affliction.  They are as follows:

SIGNS
- sporadic hanging of recently framed samplers throughout the house on any bare wall spaces;
- a growing desire for a "sewing room" and specialist equipment (needle keeps, frames, daylight lamps etc);
- a sudden increase in the amount of mail coming into the home particularly small soft packets;
- damaged teeth caused by frequent "nipping" of threads;
- speech impairment brought about by holding a needle between the lips whilst selecting new thread.

SYMPTOMS
- a feeling of immediate loss or emptiness once a project is finished and the final stitch has been made;
- a need to withdraw from family life in order to pursue your habit;
- nocturnal stitching;
- the uncontrollable desire to sniff and caress charts (more common than hitherto thought, particulary in Australia where everything is upside down anyway);
- an overall shakiness when waiting for material to arrive;
- constantly muttering "be quiet, I'm counting,"

Now then, we've come to the crunch.  Do you dare to take this simple test to prove conclusively whether you have full blown LDA?  You might find it helpful to have a family member or friend wth you to offer support if needed.

1.  How many Long Dogs do you currently own - over 10?  YES/NO

2.  Do you find yourself hurrying so that you can get on to the next project in your stash?  YES/NO

3.  Do you hyperventilate at the release of a new design?  YES/NO

4.  Do you post frequent pictures of your progress on social media?  YES/NO

5.  Do you dream in cross stitch?  YES/NO

6.  Do you secretly lust after a special commission of your very own?  YES/NO

7.  Are you ever more than an arm's length away from your stitching and even take it on holiday?             YES/NO

8.  Do you suffer withdrawal symptoms when engaged in other tasks?  YES/NO

9.  Have you ever turned down an invitation because you want to stitch?  YES/NO

10.  Can you list more than twelve Long Dog Samplers by name without hesitation?  YES/NO

ANSWERS  (This should be upside down but I don't know how to do that and I've been too busy stitching to find out).

0-1 yes answers:  Why are you even bothering to take this test?
2-6 yes answers:  Still time to escape with your bank balance intact.
7-8 yes answers:  You have a serious problem.
9 yes answers:  There's no going back for you.
10 yes answers:  Do you mean to tell me you've actually stopped stitching to take this test?
11 or more yest answers:  I'm afraid you're a no-hoper if ever I saw one.  Join the club!

Whatever your score - congratulations and I'm sure it will increase over time.  And please don't forget, when your addiction gets the better of you just email me immediately because the designer drug (sorry that should have been chart) of your choice is only a click away.

I do also provide a confidential conselling service on my 24/7 helpline or to give it it's other name "a special commission" - you have but to ask as I know you want one.  Speak soon, just follow the link:

jools@longdogsampler.com




Monday 28 December 2015

Long Dog Addiction - Part I: The Facts

Are Long Dogs addictive?
Well judging by the size of some of your stashes
and WIPs I think I already have the answer.
However, in the interests of medical science, I decided
to conduct my own research to find out if there was
actually any clinically provable evidence to substantiate
these rumours and came up with some remarkable results.

Day seventeen of mug tests in my kitchen and they still haven't moved.

Firstly, in a blind taste test, I discovered that a group of
randomly selected kitchen mugs when placed on a page of
Long Dog chart obviously couldn't get enough exposure
to it's beauty and sat there for days on end without moving
at all.  Whereas, the control group in the cupboard were very
restless and constantly needed to be used for tea ceremonies
followed by being washed up and put away again, and again,
and again.  They obviously felt empty when they had nothing
Long Dog to sit upon and contemplate.

Members of the Acle snail racing team in training.

I felt that I needed to gain further proof before I could
conclusively endorse the addiction claims often to be found
bandied about on Facebook and in chat rooms so I sought
one final avenue for research - Acle racing snails!

A crack French team all ready for action.

These snails are famous for the speed at which they can strip
a plant of leaves when your back is turned.  So, just for you,
I got up at some ungodly hour before the thrushes who feast on
them had even brushed their beaks or combed their feathers to
collect a dozen of the little buggers in a bucket.  Why a dozen?
Because that's how the French do snails and they wrote the rules
after all.  I'm sure you'll agree this is all very scientific.

Once divided into two groups of six I stuffed one batch into a
flower pot containing a couple of pages of chart hidden in some
really tasty lettuce leaves and they didn't come out until they
had devoured the lot!  Conclusive evidence if ever there was any.

Heavily addicted racing snails trying to break into the Lock-Up in search of charts.

The other six were given a placebo sheet of newspaper in an identical
pot and, judging by the mess they left behind, they didn't think
much of that at all.  There is, however, just one slight problem
to sort out.  I have my answer but I also now have six junkie
snails laying waste to my tiny garden in search of a fix - more charts!
Serves me right really.

Coming next time:  Will you pass the test?

Friday 25 December 2015

Advent Cracker Twenty-Five

A cracker to pull


A hat to make you smile

Isn't he just pookie?

A joke to make you laugh:

Q.  What does the Queen call her Christmas broadcast?
A.  The One Show.

Something that goes bang.

Well fancy that.  He's got snow balls.

Last minute gift suggestion as I'm even open on Christmas day.

Don't forget the latest Long Dog - R-kade

At the special Christmas price of £18.00.
Available direct from me and guaranteed to rock up in time for
Christmas as a pdf download.  Just follow the link,
and say "I'll have one of those please."  It couldn't be easier:

jools@longdogsampler.com

Happy Christmas to you all.  Have a good one.

Thursday 24 December 2015

Advent Cracker Twenty-Four

A cracker to pull


A hat to make you smile

Good job he's not a weasel or he'd go pop.

A joke to make you laugh:

Q.  Which famous playright was afraid of Christmas?
A.  Noel Coward.

Something that goes bang.

I think Santa's are getting younger.

Last minute gift suggestion to slip in your stockings.

One of my latest special commission pieces.

If you're wondering what to do with some of that spare
dosh that you're bound to be given this Christmas,
then look no further.  Why not blow it all on a special
commission of your very own.  I'm now taking
orders for 2016 so why not drop me an email and
see what we can come up with together.

Prices start at £250.  Just follow the link,
and say "I'd like one of those please."  It couldn't be easier:

jools@longdogsampler.com

Tuesday 22 December 2015

Advent Cracker Twenty-Three

A cracker to pull


A hat to make you smile


A joke to make you laugh:

Q.  What's green, covered in tinsel and goes ribbet ribbet?
A.  Mistle toad.

Something that goes bang.


Last minute gift suggestion to slip in your stockings.

The Quilted Bees


At the special Christmas price of £8.50.
Available direct from me and guaranteed to rock up in time for
Christmas as a pdf download.  Just follow the link,
and say "I'll have one of those please."  It couldn't be easier:

jools@longdogsampler.com

Monday 21 December 2015

Advent Cracker Twenty-Two

A cracker to pull


A hat to make you smile


A joke to make you laugh:

Q.  What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
A.  Tinselitis.

Something that goes bang.


Last minute gift suggestion to slip in your stockings.

Tyler's Lion

At the special Christmas price of £16.20.
Available direct from me and guaranteed to rock up in time for
Christmas as a pdf download.  Just follow the link,
and say "I'll have one of those please."  It couldn't be easier:

jools@longdogsampler.com

Sunday 20 December 2015

Advent Cracker Twenty-One

A cracker to pull


A hat to make you smile


A joke to make you laugh:

Q.  What does Santa do with fat elves?
A.  Sends them to an elf farm.

Something that goes bang.

Step back Alice, it's getting really hot in here now.

Last minute gift suggestion to slip in your stockings.

Watchers of the Dawn

At the special Christmas price of £8.10.
Available direct from me and guaranteed to rock up in time for
Christmas as a pdf download.  Just follow the link,
and say "I'll have one of those please."  It couldn't be easier:

jools@longdogsampler.com

Advent Cracker Twenty

A cracker to pull


A hat to make you smile

Happy Christmas to ewe.

A joke to make you laugh:

Q.  What do you call a cat in the desert?
A.  Sandy Claws.

Something that goes bang.

Perhaps you've been standing too near the fire.

Last minute gift suggestion to slip in your stockings.

Wachet Auf
At the special Christmas price of £7.20.Available direct from me and guaranteed to rock up in time for
Christmas as a pdf download.  Just follow the link,
and say "I'll have one of those please."  It couldn't be easier:

jools@longdogsampler.com

Saturday 19 December 2015

Advent Cracker Nineteen

A cracker to pull


A hat to make you smile

Good night sweet prince.

A joke to make you laugh:

Q.  Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A.  Mince spies.

Something that goes bang.

He looks fun.

Last minute gift suggestion to slip in your stockings.

Spirit of Marken

At the special Christmas price of £17.10.
Available direct from me and guaranteed to rock up in time for
Christmas as a pdf download.  Just follow the link,
and say "I'll have one of those please."  It couldn't be easier:

jools@longdogsampler.com

Thursday 17 December 2015

Advent Cracker Eighteen

A cracker to pull

They think of everyone these days

A hat to make you smile

So that's where they went.

A joke to make you laugh:

Q.  How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizza's?
A.  Deep pan, crisp and even.

Something that goes bang.

Now the countdown really begins - a Santa!

Last minute gift suggestion to slip in your stockings.

Tobasco

At the special Christmas price of £16.20.
Available direct from me and guaranteed to rock up in time for
Christmas as a pdf download.  Just follow the link,
and say "I'll have one of those please."  It couldn't be easier:

jools@longdogsampler.com

Wednesday 16 December 2015

Advent Cracker Seventeen

A cracker to pull

These are very posh.

A hat to make you smile


A joke to make you laugh:

Q.  How do snowmen get around?
A.  On an icicle.

Something that goes bang.

Bert Reynolds.  Not an old Bond but an old Bandit.

Last minute gift suggestion to slip in your stockings.

St Sylvestre

At the special Christmas price of £7.20.
Available direct from me and guaranteed to rock up in time for
Christmas as a pdf download.  Just follow the link,
and say "I'll have one of those please."  It couldn't be easier:

jools@longdogsampler.com

Tuesday 15 December 2015

Advent Cracker Sixteen

A cracker to pull


A hat to make you smile


A joke to make you laugh:

Q.  What do snowmen wear on their heads?
A.  Ice caps.

Something that goes bang.


Last minute gift suggestion to slip in your stockings.

Rosemarkie

At the special Christmas price of £5.40.
Available direct from me and guaranteed to rock up in time for
Christmas as a pdf download.  Just follow the link,
and say "I'll have one of those please."  It couldn't be easier:

jools@longdogsampler.com

Monday 14 December 2015

Advent Cracker Fifteen

A cracker to pull


A hat to make you smile

Here's one to give you the hump.

A joke to make you laugh:

Q.  What do you get if you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A.  Frostbite.

Something that goes bang.

Just to remind you who's in charge over Christmas unless he takes another holiday.

Last minute gift suggestion to slip in your stockings.

Bristol Fashion

At the special Christmas price of £8.10.
Available direct from me and guaranteed to rock up in time for
Christmas as a pdf download.  Just follow the link,
and say "I'll have one of those please."  It couldn't be easier:

jools@longdogsampler.com

Sunday 13 December 2015

Advent Cracker Fourteen

A cracker to pull


A hat to make you smile


A joke to make you laugh:

Q.  Why can't Christmas trees sew?
A.  Because they keep dropping their needles.

Something that goes bang.

Sean Connery - another old Bond for Christmas

Last minute gift suggestion to slip in your stockings.

Pot 4 Dicky
At the special Christmas price of £17.10.
Available direct from me and guaranteed to rock up in time for
Christmas as a pdf download.  Just follow the link,
and say "I'll have one of those please."  It couldn't be easier:

jools@longdogsampler.com