So, it's the middle of the bleedin' night
and yours truly is not only fast akip (sounds like
a new political party) but deeply involved
with a young Sean Bean playing the role of Mellors
the gamekeeper to Lady Chatterley.
No Alice dear, I wasn't taking the part of his labrador.
It was at that moment that I had what can only be
described as a "near death experience", the earth
(and my bowels I might add) nearly moved
and not at the hands of the wicked SB either.
"Where would you like your daisies planted madam"
he said huskily.
The smoke alarm on the landing had gone off and,
had my ticker been in any way dicky, I think
it would have been curtains for Granny Long Dog.
Fortunately I'm made of sterner stuff than that
-remember the rats, the hornets, the night the chateau
I didn't know whether to hastily dress for the occasion,
grab my laptop and a clean pair of knickers,
abandon ship, search for my muster station
In the end I decided to do none of the above,
after all there was no smell of smoke
and my bed didn't appear to be on fire so I drifted
back into the arms of Mellors for a little unfinished business.
Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, know what I mean!